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Friday, May 30, 2008
but it only since like yesterday when you left. nothing can ever take away the pain, and the sense of emptiness that i felt everyday. actually i had a dream last night, and it's the third time already. as usual, when i think too much before i sleep, i will dream of the same stuff when im sleeping. and before i could said anything to you, i got woken up. damn it! anw, am bloody irritated with my results. been sitting infront of my laptop since noon, and waited for like 5 hours, while at the meantime, watching grey's anatomy to kill time. and have been cursing and swearing since evening. slogged like a cow, and yet i get this kind of shit results. maybe i need to work like 10 times harder next sem. life's a bitch. but life goes on. Tuesday, May 27, 2008 very very stupid! :( Saturday, May 24, 2008 somehow, i wish i could relive everything again. but now, the top priority for me, is to leave everything behind, and stop dwelling on it 24/7, before i sink any further. get a life, and move on. it's just foolish thinking on my part. few months or few years down the road, when i looked back, i may be thinking how silly and stupid i was, and whenever i think about it the next time, all that were left behind would be some faint memories, and some diary entries that i have written, hidden somewhere online or in a book. these memories, as beautiful as they are in the past, are evil when they're gone. i know i will forget everything or most of it eventually, i hope. just like i always do in the past, i just need some time. a bit more this time round. life's life. everything happens for a reason, and certain people come into your life for a reason, and somehow to me, i felt that this is predestined. but it's time to let go, and move on with my life. anw, that aside, 3 weeks of holidays have passed. another week went by, and im still jobless. :( i need a job asap. i havent been watching grey's anatomy for a week, cos tudou takes forever to load. damn it!! :( my right leg hurts real bad, and i couldnt sleep well for the past few weeks, it's like im physically very tired, but mentally, am still very awake. this really sucks, cos i would be tossing and turning around, looking at the clock every now and then, and wondering why the hell am i still awake at 3 plus am in the morning. and at the same time, lots of stuff will be going through my mind. sigh. Friday, May 16, 2008 i still cant accept the fact that you are no longer around. if only that damn spectro paper is in the morning, i would have been able to see you for the last time. everyday, images of you lying in the ocffin and the mortuary keep going through my head, and the phone call that i got to tell me you have left, just keep repeating itself. i dont know what's happening to me, maybe im going crazy. or maybe am just bipolar. and not only that, i have to put up with constant harassment from a irritating, psychotic neighbour, who i suspect has some form of neurosis, he's like completely sick up there in the head. and the fact that i might have to redo modules next sem, and the fact that my eyesight is getting from bad to worse, and the fact that im still jobless, and of course, the worst nightmare of all, losing a loved one. so if there's a game for whose life sucks the most, i'll win, i always win. Friday, May 09, 2008 and it sucks to keep on waiting and waiting. sigh. :( Wednesday, May 07, 2008 is pissing the hell outta me. sometime when he speaks, he dont use his brains to think first, and will then go round spilling all sorts of secrets and nonsensical stuff to strangers. i have to warn him many many times, to ask him to shut the hell up. sometime, nothing seems to get into that dense skull of his. and it really makes me vomit blood. Monday, May 05, 2008 tried my best already. whatever happens, happens. will probably need divine intervention to save me. emailed the lecturer about my situation. he's really nice. talked to me after the exam today, and advised me to file for special considerations to the dean's office. they might be able to do some moderations to my grade or sth, but then again, my CA wasnt very good. i really dont want to repeat the module next sem. really hope they can help me. sigh. if not all the efforts i put in last sem to pull up my CAP will be gone to waste. :( am still very very upset and angry that no one told me that the prognosis wasnt good the day before. instead of hiding the truth from me just because of exams. cos it's such impt stuff! had i known, i would have gone down to see you after my physical chem paper, instead of going home to rest for my spectro paper the next day. the weird thing is, i didnt have any bad premonition before that. why why why.... felt very sad when i found out that probably about 10 mins before the start of my paper, the doctor was trying their best to resuscitate you. and that when you were told that one of us was rushing down to see you, your heartbeat actually went up. but alas, you couldnt hold on long enough to see us. if only you had just waited for me for another few more hours. i would have been able to see you for the last time. :'( i was told that tears can be felt as hands were capped over your face after you passed on. i know you cant bear to leave us, and we hate to see you go too. am really sorry that i didnt talk to you or see you much during your final two weeks. i can never forgive myself for this, and would have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. it felt so surreal to see you lying in the coffin. i hope that you will be able to hear whatever i have said to you. felt really sad when the coffin was pushed into the crematorium. and all that was left of you was a tray of bones and ashes. gone forever. i hope you will like the new home that we have chosen for you, and that you are happy wherever you are now. i will come and visit you whenever i have the time. i miss you a lot right now, and really hope we will meet again one day at the other world. suddently felt so lonely and aimless now. no longer busy with wake and exams. am not sure what to do next. sigh. |